Donkey Kong: The Novel | Chapter 2


Chapter 2: Jumpman’s Dream Scenario

Jumpman looks longingly into Pauline’s eyes, in the same way that a newborn husband might stare at his newly created wife on the day of their marriage. They are sitting in the poshest burger restaurant in all of Brooklyn and making sweet, natural small talk that with every word spoken makes both parties fall deeper and wider in love with one another.


Jumpman pays Pauline a stunning compliment that instantly causes her face cheeks to turn a hue of rose red. In return, she blows him a kiss across the table that lands on his left cheek and causes his moustache hairs to tingle with delight. I have-a surprise-a for you-a, says Jumpman. Well, don’t keep me in suspense, says Pauline, what is it? Close-a your pretty eyes-a, says Jumpman. And with that, Pauline closes her pretty eyes. Jumpman then counts to ten: 1-a, 2-a, 3-a, 4-a, 5-a, 6-a, 7-a, 8-a, 9-a, 10-a. And upon saying 10-a, Jumpman pulls out a wrapped box and politely orders Pauline to open her eyes.


Oh Jumpman, says Pauline, is this what I think it is. Well, open it up and find-a out-a, Jumpman replies. Pauline excitedly tears off the paper and her eyes light up upon sighting what’s inside. Oh my, says Pauline excitedly, it’s beautiful, thank you. Pauline pulls out a stunning wooden jewellery box that has been decorated with hand chiselled flowers and love hearts. A heart shaped shape appears above her head to signal that she’s in love. The couple couldn’t be happier at that exact moment in time.


There’s a loud knocking sound and Jumpman is soon brought out of his happy dream. Upon opening his eyes and slowly regaining consciousness, the loud knocking sound occurs again. Jumpman, realising that the noise is emanating from his front door, puts on his shoes and dressing gown and makes his way down the stairs. He opens his front door and is greeting by a beaming Donkey Kong who is dressed in fishing attire and holding a fishing rod.


Hey buddy, says Donkey Kong, I wanted to surprise you. I booked us a week at Fishing Friends Fall for some non-stop fishing, drinking, eating and friendship. And before you say anything, don’t worry – I went to the trouble of ringing up every one of your current customers, with the exception of that girl that popped by last week and asked you to make a jewellery box for her mum because I couldn’t find her listed in the telephone book, and have explained the situation. They’re all happy for you to take the week off work for some much deserved rest and relaxation.


DK, I’m touched you went to all this trouble, says Jumpman, but I can’t-a go, Pauline needs her box-a this week-a and I really want to do a good job-a. How about we go next month eh? My treat-a. I’ll get us a cabin with a hot tub so we can eat Bolognese and relax, what do you say?


Sure, OK, maybe, says Donkey Kong. I gotta go to work now, so I’ll catch you later. And with that a sad, despondent Donkey Kong walks away holding back tears and anger that his friend has once again let him down. As he turns the corner and walks down the street, he spots Pauline striding prettily towards him in the opposite direction. So, thinks Donkey Kong, if Jumpman wants this girl so bad, he’s going to have to come and rescue her. And with that he pulls some cable ties from out of his pocket and puts on a balaclava.


To be continued…




Donkey Kong: The Novel | Chapter 1


Chapter 1: A Friendship for Granted

It’s a Friday afternoon and the famous moustachioed Italian carpenter Javier Umpman, or Jumpman as he likes to be known, is putting the finishing touches to a lovely oak television cabinet for his most important client – the President of the United States, Mr. Nigel Nixon. Jumpman is mere seconds away from attaching a beautiful door for concealing a VHS player or an Atari 2600, when there is a knock at the door. Mama Mia, what-a time for the door to knock, says Jumpman, before leaving his workshop and venturing downstairs to see who it is.


Jumpman opens the front door and is greeted by the beaming smile of his best pal and next door neighbour Donkey Kong – a gigantic ape whom Jumpman has been best friends with for many years. How the two of them met and became friends is not important, nor is it that interesting or particularly integral to this tale.


I’ve got us courtside tickets to tonight’s basketball game, says an excited Donkey Kong. I know you really wanted to go, so I traded them with a colleague at work in return for working every weekend for next seven months. Wow, that’s-a really nice of you DK, says Jumpman, but I’m afraid I can’t go-a. I’ve really gotta finish this television cabinet for the President. Perhaps we can go another time-a? And with that, a heartbroken DK walks away, dragging his knuckles on the pavement with tears in his eyes and a pain in his heart. Jumpman closes his front door and, feeling a small pang of guilt, says: I hope DK wasn’t too upset-a; I’ll make it up to him by buying him a tub of his favourite hair wax-a.


A few days later and there’s another knock at Jumpman’s door. Jumpman opens it and this time he is greeted by the prettiest smile he has ever seen. Hello, my name is Pauline, says the mouth belonging to the smile. I hear you are the finest carpenter in all of Brooklyn. I’m looking for someone to make me a wooden jewellery box as a gift for my mother. Jumpman is immediately lovestruck and struggles to speak. Yes, that’s-a me, I’ll be happy to help-a, he answers, just give me one week and I’ll have it ready for you-a. Oh thank you, replies Pauline, and she gives him a kiss on his cheek. Mama Mia, says Jumpman, I’m on cloud-a nine-a.


Donkey Kong, spying through his net curtains, can see Pauline leaving Jumpman’s house. I wonder who that is, he questions. It doesn’t matter, I’m so excited, I can’t wait to tell Jumpman about the fishing trip I’ve booked for us next week. Finally, some alone time with my best pal and our awesome friendship.


To be continued…